#333: The Buffer (Conpartmentalising)

Ink on paper.  Drawing of my face in the middle of the paper.  

The following text is written all around it:

Around me is a buffer that protects me from the outside world.  It is not unlike The Filter and it allows me to know little about the world and live in my own way.  It gives me the ability to compartmentalise and forget everything, pushing it aside, below, or underneath the buffer.  But it makes me narcissistic and selfish, it stops me from connecting with other people and allows me to do terrible things, to have wrong beliefs.  It holds me back, it is a curse.  The buffer must be destroyed and I need to find a way to do this.  Or, at least, to bypass it.  I want it to be like a Magic Circle, that will protect and reaffirm. But it’s more like a protection circle of old, like in Waterhouse paintings and fictions from Battlefield to Renfield or a thousand others - a chalk circle, or a circle of powder, that keeps me in and everyone else away - creating a boundary that cannot be crossed, moved or eradicated.  Or like the empty and solid feeling from Beef.  Not real but there.  A stone keeping me still or driving me away, controlling or manipulating my actions.  I think I want to believe that this is the something that makes me creative.  But until it can be removed, the buffer will keep me separate and away, part of the world but apart from it.  I will live in this compartment until I find a way out of it, as if stuck in an escape room without a timer or a team (inside or out) to help me get out or to let me out.  I must find the tools - give, or lend, me the tools, please.  I want to blend.  I want to be able to talk to you.  I want to rub out all of this writing and remove this buffer, create a new work, create a new me.  I want to chill.  But around me is a buffer that protects me from the outside world.  It allows me to know little about the world and live in my own way.  It gives me the ability to compartmentalise and forget everything, pushing it aside, below, or underneath the buffer.  But… I am stuck within it.  Stuck in a circle.